Dear Anxiety,

I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you in the past. When you first showed up in my life I was embarrassed by you. I didn’t understand why you made such a big fuss over seemingly benign things. I found you absurd, comical. I laughed at your concerns because they seemed so unreasonable, so unrooted in reality.

But when you raged on without rhyme or reason I admit I was scared of you. I tried my best to ignore you because your demands seemed so varied and endless that I was afraid of being subsumed by your storms. In truth I didn’t have the capacity to witness you without being caught up myself – I only ignored you because I was scared shitless.

And then came the times when I placated you like a child. I admit this was disrespectful. I thought another tub or ice-cream or going somewhere far away would make you go away. I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted you to stop and I was willing to do anything to make you stop. I was willing to cater to your every whim, every preference, so that you wouldn’t find a reason to scream anymore but that only made you scream louder.

All this time I disowned you, placated you, pushed you away because I thought I was somehow above you, better than. I didn’t understand it was you that made me.

I am a child born in privilege, in a time and place of abundance and peace that doesn’t know the horrors of the past. You are a child forged in the depths of chaos, darkness, and unimaginable suffering. What horrors did you witness? What horrors did you survive so that eventually you could give rise to me?

And even while I didn’t understand you, while I tried to push you away, you still came knocking again and again just to keep me safe, just to protect me in the best way you know how. How did it take me so long to see the immenseness of this love?

Now it’s my turn to invite you to sit next to me. I invite you to take my hand while I slowly show you what I see — because it is you who traversed these winding roads up the mountain and it is time that you too enjoyed the scenery.

Look around you.

Have you ever seen so much beauty?

lands_end

I now understand my role in the perpetuation of this cosmic dance — and that is to become the ground that you seek. To let you know that even in the depths of insecurity you have always been held by the earth beneath your feet, that even in the depths of suffering there has always been love.

And as the chaos of the old world falls apart around you, I hold out my arms for the day you melt back into me.